Thursday, December 9, 2010

I cried...

"Tears are words the heart can't express."

These days, I feel guilty when I cry in front of Jud. I don't want to add to his sorrow or to have him need to spend his energy taking care of me. It was bound to happen. We visited Stanford yesterday and looked at a different treatment, a radioactive knife that will remove tumors. We felt we had things in place before we left and we worried this would happen...that we would see something new and feel confused about what we should do. 

Stanford is a nice place and the people were kind (I give people lots of points for "kind" these days, especially in major medical centers). They were collecting blood samples in hopes that they would someday find a tumor marker for pancreatic cancer. Jud was asked to be part of the study and I was pleased to be asked to be his control. I could do my part, in a small way. Then...the blood draw. I am not very good with needles. I used to be downright phobic but repeated drawings for a pulmonary emboli twelve years ago somewhat desensitized me. I was glad to do my part. It went fine. I always thank the technician if I get a good draw. Really. It's a blessing! God slipped in!

We got home and the floodgates opened. It was not pretty. I sobbed. I started talking, amidst the sobbing, and all my worries came out. I thought the doctor was trying to "sell us something." I didn't understand all the "medicalese." I couldn't see how this was any better than what we had been offered at home. The "survival rates" were no better. My outburst lasted a long time. We snuggled together on the bed as I continued...snort...snort...sob...sob. So much fear. So much sadness. Serenity gone. 

I finally calmed down. Two hours later. My head is pounding this morning, but I feel calm. The Presence has returned. Once again, I am ready to continue up and down this roller coater called cancer. 

We will be here for the morning. Jud is meeting with an old high school friend who is head of radiology here (how did THAT happen?). Bob was actually at Jud's "Tumor Board" meeting yesterday. Then Jud is going to have some acupuncture with a Stanford-trained doctor. I will rest and read. We are renting a car and heading an hour or so north to see our friends, Susan and Gary. Susan was diagnosed with lymphoma a couple of years ago and is doing well. She is an old South Dakota buddy and we have known her forever. 

Hopefully we will have some great talks and some laughter. I am sure there will also be a few tears.

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed with tears every once in awhile so that we can see life once again with a clearer view."
Alex Tan


  1. You know what though, I bet him comforting and taking care of you may be what he needs to feel normal now and then. Big hugs to you.

  2. Sometimes crying is the best thing one can do when so much is out of our hands.
    Praying for you.

  3. Suz, Sometimes I think God gives us these life situations to draw us closer to him. God is Love, and this is so clearly expressed in your words. Your love for your husband is touching us all. Elizabeth

  4. tears are indeed a safety value when too much pressure is laid upon your heart ... let them flow
    and dear could benefit from some acupuncture helps bring balance and more!

    sharing as beautifully as you are is such a gift...
    being human...
    strong and frail...
    real and amazing
    and so inspiring too

    BIG healing hugs from ole Virginny

  5. Oh Sue;
    I feel for you and Jud! Obviously you needed a good cry and God blessed you with a great shoulder to cry on!
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and He shall direct your path...
    In times like these His Word is what we need to lean on. I am praying for you and for Jud - may His blessings abound in both of you!
    Many hugs and blessings to you.

  6. Oh Suz! I am weeks behind on reading my favorite blogs - and I had no idea what you and Jud had been going through these past few weeks! You poor thing - of course you're scared and sad, and are going to need a good cry every so often. But you have been given the gift of serenity - and it will return again.

    I'm so glad you have so many wonderful people in your life who are supporting you - along with their many, many prayers. I'll be adding my own prayers too...

    Hugs to you and Jud,

  7. Oh Suz, I can only imagine how difficult, crazy, and confusing all of this is. I'm sure the tears are cleansing, and also necessary to clear out "the fluff". What's the saying about it being clearer after the rain? I'm hoping your "rain" brings some rainbows at the end.

  8. Suz you needed to cry and release all that tension of the unknown. And for Jud to be there for you is probably the best as he needs to be there for you as you are for him. You are very brave to share your journey with us and please know we are here for you. I would let you cry and fix you a cup of tea for inner soothing. Spending time with your friends will be bittersweet but ever so wonderful. Safe travels my dear...

  9. I can't think of anything to say but you and Jud are never far from my thoughts and prayers.

  10. Aw, Suz, what you are going through is so hard...of course you will need to cry and be comforted, and I am sure you will do the same for Jud. I will keep you both in my prayers and am sending all good thoughts your way...
    a BIG XO

  11. Thank You for being my sister Sue. I agree it's good to let Jud take care of you to find normal too. Take time to watch "Two and a Half Men", look at the sun, and thanks the nice people for being.the world smiles and prays with you.

  12. My heart is breaking for you Suz! You must be on such a roller coaster of emotions! I wish I could give you peace. oxox

  13. Suz~
    So eloquent despite such sadness. Thanks for conveying your fears....sometimes it is hard to fall in the safe place of friends but you did it beautifully and with grace. Know that I am praying for peace and the healing arms of protection that God has to offer. It really seems like uncanny things are happening....Bob the old high school friend in Radiology? Truly a blessing in my opinion.

  14. Suz, is the website for the Bioessence. You`ll have to call Dr. Brady as he sees about all the orders. His Phone # is:
    I tried to email you and it kept coming back to me??
    I left a message that you would be calling and
    you can use me as a reference. I know this will help!
    Kim :0)

  15. Hi doll, God gave us the ability to cry for a reason. It seems to be a soul washing experience to have a really good cry. I think you needed to have a little emotional breakdown to get it out of your system and it was an important moment for you and your husband to share together. I wish you both all the best and I will continue praying for you both. Cancer is such a big scarey word.. but God is bigger and in control.

  16. May the tears that you release bring you some form of relief during this extremely difficult time.

  17. sending healing thoughts your way...laughing and crying, you know it's the same is good you let it out...and i think you are both very brave.

  18. oh Dear Suz- I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I have not been able to visit for a while and I am so sorry for this pain you are dealing with.

    God bless you and your hubby.

  19. You NEEDED that cry. You did. And you know what? You are ALLOWED that cry. Jud needs to feel like he can take care of YOU, too. He doesn't want to feel like he's the only one being taken care of, trust me.

    Sweet hugs to you.