He is gone...

Jud died last night at 6:00 p.m. We were all circled around his bed singing "Amazing Grace" as he passed away. He suffered so much the last three weeks that I am relived that that part is over, though I am so sad he was gone. I know he is in a beautiful place free from pain.

It has been an exhausting few weeks. I slept very soundly with my two dogs who are very confused. One is now under my covers and the other is sleeping on Jud's side.

I know I have such hard times ahead but I am still feeling the peace of "singing him home." He was so brave in his struggle, taking care of each of us and the close friends who visited us in the midst of his dying.

I thank you all so much for your support of me during this fourteen months. You are remarkable friends and you mean the world to me. Please know how much you matter, You were there in the frightening nights when no one else was around. You have been there for me so consistently, so solidly.

I love you and thank you.

In-Patient Hospice...

(Jud is now in one of four rooms in this great big hospital. Jud worked here once a week and was welcomed by friends)

Excuse me for just copying the Caring Bridge journal I wrote for Jud but I did write it myself!! I am at home. The fuzzy butts are sleeping where Jud's pillow was. It is so precious! They are so confused but happy I am at home. So here are my words...

Dear Friends,

I read Jud's Caring Bridge entries every day. They have sustained me and held me up so I have the strength to proceed through the year with Jud. Thank you so very much for such a huge gift.

After several agonizing nights, we made the decision, with the help of our wonderful hospice nurse, Kari, to put Jud into Inpatient Hospice at Methodist Hospital. It was the right decision. He has been in agony and they have helped him find some comfort. We could do much at home but we just weren't set up for an IV pump. I came home to get some rest and Kat volunteered to stay with Jud. After three weeks of constant nausea and discomfort, he seems to be resting comfortably. What a huge relief. 

He will be there for several days and then we will decide what to do next. It is a great relief to know that we have such good help in making these decisions.

Thank you, each of you, for all you have done for Jud this year and for all you have done for me and Kat. We have floated on your words of hope and caring. I noticed that you can get published copies of a member's Caring Bridge. I plan on doing just that. It has been a remarkable year. We have so many highs and lows but we have been blessed by the beautiful words and caring of a loving circle of friends stretched all around the world.

For this, I will always be grateful.

Love,

Sue

Hard Times...

Jud is having a very rough time of it, and, consequently, so am I. Hospice will be out again tomorrow (and we talked to them on the phone) but they have not been able to get his symptoms under control.

You have all been such a comfort to me over this year. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this difficult part of the journey.

With love,
Suz

We're home...

We had such a comforting time in Mesa. There is nothing like being surrounded by loving family. Jud had a chance to have some good hugs with both of his sisters, Jan and Joan...

...and his parents, Kay and Du.

He and Dad even enjoyed a little cribbage...

Mom did her wonderful home cooking...

...and entertained our dear friends, the Hallbergs.

We enjoyed the sunsets, this one had a heart ("X")....

...that shone on our niece, Dani, and her partner, Pat. 

These were the wonderful moments. There were some hard ones, too. Much of the time, Jud was very sick. At one point in time, we considered going home early. He was not able to eat and was only tolerating clear liquids. He had a lot of pain and nausea. With the advice of hospice back in Minnesota, we got him home at the end of the week. We are glad we went...and we are glad we are home. We have had a very good meeting with hospice and have two scheduled for this week. Our team is kind and they are direct. We feel very blessed. This is just another part of our journey. It is a hard and sad one but also one of deep meaning and a feeling of tremendous Love. 

For now, we are glad to be home in our own beds...

...and the fuzzybutts could not be more happy, too. 

News about Jud...

We talked to Jud's doctor yesterday. Melissa had consulted with another physician and they did not see any blockage. Their conclusion was that the elevation in Jud's tests were from an increase in the cancer itself. We discussed all the options. There are no other clinical trials Jud would qualify and no other chemo agents that would be of help.

We had a wonderful meeting with our minister, Cathie Crooks, later in the day. We both just love her. She is such a special person and always makes us feel more at peace.

Jud and I made the decision (with his doctor's approval) that we would take a week's trip to Mesa then return and engage the services of home hospice. They will begin by giving us minimal service then continue to increase it as Jud needs more help. He is still up and about and still eating, though he feels what he can only describe as "malaise" and is not really hungry.

We are wrapped in our love and that, and our faith in an afterlife, continues to sustain us. The love and caring of our friends, as always, holds us in a circle of warmth and caring. We are deeply sad but we are also at peace.

I would like to thank all of you for your support of me. Some of you are friends from Silver Bella, some are internet friends. You all have been wonderful and have been so helpful to me.

Now, as always, "the greatest of these is love."

We need courage...we need it now!

Split Rock Light House. Lake Superior, MN

I am sitting in the Chicago Airport with only about ten minutes to spare so I am going to copy Jud's Caring Bridge site for yesterday so I may get this news to you more quickly.

We would especially appreciate your prayers and good thoughts at this time.

With love,
Sue

Dear Ones,

What a difference a year can make!  This time last year I was at Stanford getting radiation therapy for Stage 3 pancreatic cancer that was deemed inoperable.   We were brimming with hope that this might lead to the possibility of surgically removing the tumor.  Two months later in March we got the news that my tumor had spread to the liver.  The focus since then has been trying to find a chemotherapy that would at least slow tumor progression if not halt it.  I am most grateful that during this year I have tolerated chemotherapy reasonably well and generally felt reasonably good with no significant pain.

As you know, I stopped the chemotherapy clinical trial at Mayo 3 weeks ago because I was continuing to have disease progression.  It just wasn’t working.  Today I had my consultation at Johns Hopkins.  At the end of the appointment, it looked like I could be a candidate for a pancreas cancer vaccine.  We were happy to have one more option.  In preparation for starting that in a week or two, they drew some liver function blood tests.

This afternoon, Dr Le called to tell me that my liver function tests were significantly elevated most likely due to growth of the tumor.  The degree of elevation would eliminate me from the vaccine trial.  For that matter, it would preclude any other trials.  The elevation is either due to the total tumor burden (Isn’t that a quaint medical way of talking about the amount of tumor you have?  And, yes, it is definitely a burden!)  or there could be a blockage in the biliary ducts.  We talked to my Park Nicollet oncologist, Dr. Sherman, who recommended getting a CT scan to look for a blockage.   If there is one, it is possible that it could be stented with a metal tube.  That could reverse the liver function test elevations.  It would also make me more comfortable and provide for a little longer survival.   It is somewhat of a long shot but well worth doing.

My body in the past few weeks has been telling me that something has been wrong.  I used to be able to blame chemo for any symptoms I had.  That was nice because I could justify and tolerate the discomfort knowing that it was for the purpose of treating the cancer. Now, off chemo, it is the cancer itself that has caused me to feel ill.  I told Sue that if I didn’t know that I had cancer, I would have been going to my doctor and telling her that something is really wrong with me.  It is not necessarily specific.  I have felt very weary.  I sleep a lot.  Food does not look appealing.  It’s not that I am nauseated though I occasionally am.  I just have no appetite.  I am having intermittent pain under my rib cage when I breathe.  This is probably due to the tumor irritating the capsule of the liver right under the diaphragm.

The day has been a roller coaster with plenty of tears.  Instead of heading to sunny Arizona tomorrow, we will be going back to Minnesota.  We will reschedule time with my family in sunshine and warmth later.

Thanks for the continuing love, support and acts of kindness!

Love,

Jud

New Year...New Word

Last year, my word was "Hope." I bought a necklace that said "Hope" and wore it all year. At Christmas, Jud gave me the cutest necklace that said, "Hope floats" and I have added that to my bejeweled neck.

This year, my word is going to be "Courage." I think this year is going to require more of me, as Jud's illness progresses. We are in Rochester right now and Jud is going through a series of tests. Tomorrow we will meet with another doctor (our third here...UGH!). We have been told by the dear Melissa, his oncologist at home, that Dr. Rubin is kind and skilled. We really need "kind" right now. We are quite sure the scans aren't going to look good since the cancer blood test (tumor marker) indicated an increase in tumor activity.

I ordered a great necklace from Beth Quinn...so now I will have three necklaces that are my talismans for the year. It is one of those terrific ones with the glitter inside! They are nice to touch in weak moments!

I will write as we know more, but will end with another one of my favorites. Such a lovely version, I think!

P.S. Now that I haven't totally screwed things up, I would like to thank Susie at Vintage Susie and Wings for my new look. I wanted more room but had a hard time giving up my beautiful Van Gogh borders. At the same time, I wanted room for larger pictures. She gave me a new look with the lovely lotuses at the side. She is so talented and she is a wonderful person to work with and know. Thank you, dear Susie. Her logo is at the right side, if you are interested in her services!

Our Christmas...

An ornament from our tree...which contains the stories of our life

The Reaney Christmas was wonderful and painful. The four of us (Jud, Kat, her boyfriend, Ashton and myself) had a very nice time.

Katie pretending she is meeting Iver, whom she knew since she was born.

It was colored with sadness, as our dear friend, Iver, died on Christmas Eve Day. Iver has had multiple myeloma for six years and lived an incredible life. It was only months ago that he was active and I mean active. He and Di hiked, biked and spent hours a day, working in their organic garden. Iver went through many difficult treatments to live a full life as long as he could...including two autologous stem cell transplants (his own cells). We will miss him so much.

Jud got news that his tumor marker test had again shot up. Way up. We will be leaving the Mayo clinical study and going to Johns Hopkins to consult about another trial which involves the cancer vaccine.

Joy and sorrow seem like unlikely companions but they dwelt side by side at our house. We had a lovely prime rib dinner with Megan, Iver's daughter; Drew, her significant other; and Dregan; their magical baby.

Jud got sick during the weekend and was unable to keep food down. We were all concerned that this was part of his cancer but it has passed and seems to have been the flu.

Jud and I have both read a wonderful book during this month. I have about twenty pages to go and don't want it to end.

A really terrific book

I really encourage anyone who loves fantasy, mystery and total escapism to read it! The word-pictures are fantastic and I feel like I know the characters intimately.

Katie and Ashton, world travelers

Katie and Ashton are in South Africa! Ashton's cousin is getting married there and his whole family is attending. They were nice enough to include Katie. We can't wait to hear the stories they will bring back. After the wedding, they have plans to stay at a game preserve. If I weren't so happy for both of them, I would be jealous!

I hope you all are enjoying this quieter time since the holidays. I am sitting by the fire with my new electric fleece warming blanket, a gift from my dear in-laws.  I send you all lots of love and thanks for supporting me during a very difficult year. Your kindness has helped carry me and I am so grateful.

If You Want...

Several years ago, Jud and I took training to become non-denominational Spiritual Directors. It was a wonderful experience. We met a weekend each month for two years and our class was full of diversity in religion and, well, not men exactly. There were two, one male leader and a whole lot of wonderful women. At this time,  I found a "don't miss" retreat concerning using the arts in spiritual direction and traveled to a beautiful retreat center on the ocean shore of Washington state, where we studied, prayed and played for a week. The leaders, Christine Valters Paintner and Betsy Beckman were terrific and now have written several books. Christine also has a blog and, this morning, I was again reminded of this poem. If You Want If you want, the Virgin will come walking down the road pregnant with the holy, and say… “I need shelter for the night, please take me inside your heart, My time is so close.” Then, under the roof of your soul, you will witness the sublime intimacy, the divine, the Christ taking birth forever, as she grasps your hand for help, for each of us is the midwife of God, each of us. Yes, there, under the dome of your being does Creation come into existence eternally, through your woman, dear pilgrim – the sacred womb of your soul, As God grasps our arm for help’ for each of us is His beloved servant never far. If you want, the Virgin will come walking Down the street pregnant With light and …sing.  -St. John of the Cross from Love Poems to God translated by Daniel Ladinsky My final words to you...may you, whatever faith or belief you hold, give birth to whatever is sacred in your heart. And thank you, during this terrible and wonderful time, for surrounding me with caring and hope. P.S. I do have a pretty new "face"  on my blog. More about that very soon. I can't seem to get rid of the yellow. Susie Hibdon to the rescue!!!

Let it Be

 Let It Be

Writer: LENNON, JOHN / MCCARTNEY, PAUL

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be 

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Whatever your beliefs, may you have a gentle, peaceful day.

Let it be.

P. S. I just talked to Jud. He looks fine. He said that the biopsy was "no big deal." The worst part was the novacaine.  What a guy!